Too old

I am at that stage in my life where I feel like I am too old for a lot of things. It’s not that I am old but I just feel too old for them.

Let me explain:

Fuck buddies — I think this could’ve worked at 22 when I lived in Bangkok and most of the dudes I met where young South African teachers looking for instant ass. It could’ve worked but I was love with someone else.

Maybe at 23 when I lived in Spain and I could’ve lived my wildest Valeria dreams but I was much more into tanning on park benches and getting kicked out of apartment complexes.

Maybe when I was 25, when my options paraded the streets of Casco Viejo wearing ripped Havaianas and saying things like “I don’t want to do the whole relationship thing…”, “I am just not a relationship guy”, “I like you but…”

Or at 26 when I thought I had found the one and at 27 when that one broke my heart and 28 I was ready to heal from the mess I had made.

And now that I am here — I feel that I’ve outgrown the concept of fuck buddies. Because — what’s the point anyways?

Feel good for 10 seconds go back home at midnight, Netflix and Chill. Repeat and never catch feelings, until you do. And when you do, the magic is gone and the sparks are replaced with larvas.

Now that I am 30, I feel like the days of Netflix and Chill, hooking up with manboys in clubs and saying “let’s go with the flow” are behind me. I don’t want to go with the flow, did that and it didn’t end well. I am done with cheap excuses and melodramatic mandudes who cancel plans last minute and pretend they’ll be young forever. I am done with people who don’t know what they want and are afraid to commit to a cellphone plan.

I feel like the options might be there but my will to go with the deed isn’t. The thought of it all makes me cringe.

Wearing heels — This could’ve been a thing had I kept on wearing heels at 21. It’s no longer a thing because I practically wear slippers to work.

Moving abroad and starting from scratch — I’ve done this 3 times in my 20s. I should probably get a Girls Scout honorary badge or something, right?

But I am too old to move abroad and have a fresh start because I don’t want to struggle the way I struggled in my 20s.

Makeup — I really thought that I’d get good at it. I’ve worn the same amount of makeup since I did at 15.

That’s all for now :P