arrogant cubicles

When ordinary people ask, "how are you?"
We don't want to hear, "Well, I work for THE NDHSES, I am assistant to the BlaBla, and I do BlaBla."

We want to hear a genuine answer.
You know, something like I just saved a puppy from a dementor.

And if you are friendly, cool, and happen to like Harry Potter, you will most likely accept their invite to coffee.
Or happy hour.
Or.. something.

So you'll sit.
Grab coffee, chipotle, a beer, wine.
You will find yourself talking, and you will hear them yapping.
The usual stuff, complaining about life, hoping it's Friday
They'll brag about their accomplishments.

And… after I graduated college with a 3.998 GPA, I applied for my Masters in Something and took the BAAAAAR, stuff, things, Harvard. Stuff. Things.

And you will sit there.
Listening.
Thinking: I need to get the fcuk out of here.

Three glasses of whateveryouaredrinking later…

They'll begin interrupting whatever it is that you say and add things like

Yea, I understand entirely, at work I analyze ________, and I also do _______ you should apply to my company. I can help you get a job.

You will find yourself saying: Thank you. But no, thank you.
And they'll be like: What? We have pizza parties every other Friday. We also have awesome Happy hours on Thursdays…

Which, btw, are awesome benefits. Who doesn't want pizza every other Friday? Sign me up!

At some point in the night, they'll start comparing their life to yours. After all, hanging out means comparing lives, doesn't it? Let's see whose life is better! Let's see who earns more money! Let's see who has it together!

They'll talk about things that don't make much sense.
If they work in Government, they'll use a lot of abbreviations.
K stands for contract, btw.

At this point of the night, you will be wasted.
You will have finished an entire bottle of wine on your own. You will begin excusing yourself to the bathroom…. a lot.

So — you'll march back to your table, ready to leave. They'll be looking at their I-phone, answering some e-mail, updating their Linkedin, checking in, or perhaps, taking some stupid Instagram photo.

Finally, after a bunch of Sorry, my boss just texted. I need to get this — they'll realize that you haven't said much.

So what's up with your life? They'll ask. Oh, this is all happening while they look at their phone.

Surprisingly enough, you will respond to their question with something like: Oh, nothing. I'm not doing much, just surviving winter.

Right.

But see, that was your only shot to say whatever it was that you wanted to say. In no time, you will be back to listening to their boring life. You will be back to hearing about their lame cubicle.
And how lame it is to work at their company.
And how fat they've gotten.
And how much they wish they could do what you do.

And of course, they know best. They always do. Their arrogance doesn't allow them to see outside the box, or maybe it is their cubicle.

February 8, 2014
Rockville, Maryland