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The first time you are on Tinder, you can’t believe your eyes.
Tons and tons of hot people.
Tons of options, too.
And also… tons that should probably not be there.
But.
Who gives a sh!t?
We live in a time of modern technology.
We have digitized romances.
We are on our phones 24/7.
When we aren’t on our phones, we are charging them.
Chances are, you won’t meet the love of your life in your 10th grade English class.
This isn’t a fairy tale, this is real life!
We are single, looking to mingle.
Not to be shallow, or anything, but… we kinda are shallow.
Judging people based on a photo? Totally normal.
We all do it.
You make it your mission to take full advantage of The Tinder.
After all, we are however old we are, and everything else we ever tried, failed. Your grandma feels like it’s time.
And when your grandma feels like it’s time to go out there and play the field, you know it’s time to do so.
So you do. You give it a go.
For the first time in your life, your brain is exploding.
Your fingers are swiping right, left, right, right. left. left. left. Definitely left. You are infatuated with Brad. James.Thomas. Evan. Gareth. Brad.
Basically everyone. Except, the not-so-cute ones…
You exchange the typical “How are you” and the “how are you doing” and the “what do you do.”
By day 5, you are pretty sure you’ve become a player. Friends are asking how it’s going, you answer — not to brag or anything — I'm talking to like 10 people. I am such a player. Ha. HA. HA.
Soon — the conversation leads to indecent proposals.
And you are unmatching with half of the people you thought were… decent.
ugh.
But still, you are hopeful. Maybe, just maybe, one of these crazies is exactly like you.
You know, awesome.
But no.
And then — penis pictures start popping up in your “moments.” And “want to bang?” is the new “how are you?”
Do you like my penis? Becomes the neo “How is your day going?”
“I'm horny” becomes a casual greeting.
By Day 8, the app is deleted.
Your player days are over
Talking to ten people doesn’t mean you are a player, sorry.
Imagining dinner dates with hot strangers doesn’t make you a player.
The last day you are on Tinder, you realize that the app is not good for those who have no idea how to play da game. If you are a benchwarmer, continue being a bench warmer.
Just sit there tight.
January 27, 2015
Panama City, Panama